CHAPTER TWO - DO NOT LET DOZING DOGS™ LIE
I don’t know where I’m running to, all I know is that I want to run far away from here. I run all the way across campus, out to the street, to some unknown destination. Ugh, why am I so upset? Of course Anton’s mad at me, I violated his privacy by reading that note! It’s all my fault that he’s upset– there’s no one to blame for this but myself. I think that’s what hurts the most. All I want to do is make everyone happy, but it just seems like no matter what I do, I’m always fucking up and making everything worse all the time.
I run and run as fast and far as my feet will carry me, my heart racing and breath heavy. I run all the way to the park by the beach, nearly stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk caused by a big tree root lifting up some of the concrete. It takes me a second to find my footing again, and by then the adrenaline has worn off and my legs are aching. I’m not ready to return home yet, though, so I search for some place to sit down and rest a while. There is a small playground up ahead, with a swingset, and no one is around. An empty playground seems like as good a place as any to collect my thoughts, I think as I sit down on one of the swings, looking around to make sure I really am alone, it’d be embarrassing for someone to see me all sweaty and crying here. If someone comes, then that will be my sign to go home and face whatever consequences are waiting there for me.
I brush my sweaty bangs away from my face and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand as I absentmindedly kick my feet back and forth. I sniffle, and almost start crying again as the exchange from earlier begins to reply in my mind. Pull yourself together, Hong, my inner voice scolds, It’s your own damn fault things turned out this way, so there’s no use crying about it. What did you think would happen? You knew it was wrong to read that letter, and no matter which way you try to look at it it was the wrong decision.
“I know,” I whisper-yell, “I know it was wrong!”
I furrow my brow and clutch my head tightly in an attempt to get all these thoughts to just STOP. I dig my fingers into my scalp, pulling my hair a bit. It hurts, and doing this doesn’t stop my mind from racing. I probably look so stupid right now, and I lift my head up to see if anyone has come by since I first sat down. The park’s still empty, thank God… but as I look around, something colorful laying against a drinking fountain catches my eye. Curious to see what it is, I step off the swing and walk towards it. I bend down and pick it up; it is soft and heavy in my hands.
“A stuffed animal?” I muse aloud as my curiosity begins to chip away at the anger I feel, “Huh. I wonder who could’ve left this here.”
I examine it a bit further. It’s a cream-colored plushie in the shape of a sleeping dog, its ears and paws are bright colors and there’s a shoddily sewn red patch on its side. It is clearly well-loved, and the fur is quite dingy. Wait… I remember this! I’m pretty sure I actually had one of these plushies when I was a kid, a “Dozing Dog”! It was my first-ever toy, given to me by–
We are deep in the forest; the sound of crickets chirping fills the evening air. The sunset-colored sky and the pine trees form a canopy over our heads. We are together again; inseperable. She is telling me it is time to rest, but I have way too much energy to lie down. I hop like a frog in circles around her, croaking. A bonfire that I’d lit with my magic earlier crackles in the near-distance; voices are all joining in singing a song I know by heart, bodies are moving rhythmically around the fire pit.
“Hey, that’s my fire! I want to join them!” I shout, standing back on my feet and pointing at them, “I want to sing and dance too!”
“I already told you, it’s time for bed. Maybe we can join another time. Not tonight, thought,” she squats down and scoops me up into her skinny arms, “Wow, you’re getting so big! Four years already… Where’s the time gone? It feels like just yesterday you hatched from your egg!”
“I want to go tomorrow night, then. And I want you to tell me the egg story before I go to bed,” I reply, leaning against her chest. I can hear her heart beating, “I won’t go to sleep if you don’t tell me that story. And you have to tuck me in too!”
“Alright then, I’ll ask Father Tau if you can stay up a little later tomorrow night. And if you’d like to hear the story about hatching from your egg, I can tell it to you. …Unless you’d like to hear another story?”
I shake my head ‘no’. It may be the story she tells me every night before bed, but I never grow tired of hearing it. I’m carried all the way to the little shack we’ve been living in. She helped build it last year, with some of the men here. It may be small, and it doesn’t have its own bathroom, but it’s better than living in a tent like some of the other people here do.
Once we’re inside, she sets me down on the big pile of blankets and pillows on the floor next to her patched-up air mattress, and turns on the green camping lantern.
“Oh, Hong,” she says, sitting down and fumbling with the quilt on her mattress, “Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you before you go to sleep!”
“An offering?” I ask, trying to see what she’s got under that quilt as my heart fills with excitement, “Can you show me what it is?”
“A present. I can’t show it until you close your eyes!”
“Okayyy, fine,” I sigh, covering my eyes with my grubby hands and squirming, “My eyes are closed now! Get it out and show me what it is already!!!”
I can hear her blanket shifting a bit, and it takes everything in my whole body not to move my hands so I can see what she is hiding from me.
“Three… Two… One! Et voilà! It’s ready! You can look now!”
I remove my hands quickly, and sat before me, on top of the air mattress, is a colorful stuffed dog. She holds one of its paws up like it is waving at me, and I laugh.
“I thought having a little friend to cuddle with at night might make bedtime a little easier. Now, I know owning such a worldly item might go against Father Tau’s teachings, but… When I told him how scared you are of the dark he said he would let this be the exception. He and I both want what’s best for you, Hong, no matter what. Whatever it may be, if he says it is good, it is good.”
She hands me the stuffed dog and ruffles my hair. She has a wistful look in her eyes.
“We both want what’s best for you, because what’s best for you is best for the world. One day, this world will be yours. Your light will set it ablaze, cleansing everything impure. And you will rise from the ashes of this great fire even stronger than before, and lead all humanity to something beyond hatred and violence. Something great and eternal. The name ‘Hong’ represents a vastness, a great force that grows forever and encompasses all, and you are that vastness. I am reminded of that every time I look at your little face. Some days, I wish you’d never grow up so you can be my baby forever. Four years have gone by so fast, and I’m not ready for you to get any older than that. It’s so difficult for me to imagine my little baby is going to be the one who brings the world into an era of eternal peace.”
I stare at her, not sure why her eyes are filling with tears. Shouldn’t me getting older and becoming a great leader of the whole world be good things? I mean, everyone always seems so happy to kneel at my feet and have me pray over them. Except for her. She is the only one who doesn’t ask for blessings from me, rather, she asks for blessings for me. Her offerings to me are “presents”. She is the only one here who treats me like a small child rather than an incarnation of God. For some reason, I like being treated like that better sometimes.
“Don’t cry,” I command, getting up on my knees and placing my hand on her shoulder, “The only way the world can be peaceful again is if I get big and strong. I will grow up, and I will make the world a place of love and friendship, and everyone will be happy forever.”
She buries her face in her hands and sobs hard. I climb up on the mattress next to her and rub her back, leaning against her. I place the stuffed dog in her lap. Maybe that will make her happy?
“If you want to sleep with him tonight, you can, mama. It’s okay. I won’t be mad. And you don’t have to tell me the egg story again tonight if you don’t want to. We can just go to bed.”
She turns her head to look at me, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes.
“Th-Thank you, baby. That is very kind of you,” she sniffles.
“And even though I’m big now I can sleep in your bed, too, so you don’t get lonely tonight. Just as long as you don’t snore or drool on me!” I smile, turning off the lantern and lying down.
“Oh, alright. I’ll try my hardest not to,” she returns my smile weakly as she lays next to me and pulls the quilt over us, “Let’s go to sleep, okay?”
I am transported back into the playground. The sun is beginning to set, turning the sky a brilliant orange color. That memory… That woman… I sink my trembling fingers into the plushie. I thought those days were all but forgotten. Growing up in that cult, I… had blocked so much of it from my memory. And all it took was a stupid stuffed animal for it to come back.
My chest feels heavy, and tears begin to stream down my face again. Fuck it. I’m going home, and I’m taking this plushie with me. Its sudden appearance is too miraculous not to mean anything. I’m taking it home and when I get there I am going to retreat to my room for a very, very long time.